Worst Halloween Candy...Ever
OK parents, you have a HUGE responsibility on Halloween night…to hand out the right candy. Sure, you want to be responsible for Trick or Treater’s running around the neighborhood and such, but passing out the right candy is the most important parental responsibility of Halloween. Really, you don’t want to be that house the kids talk very disapprovingly all year long.
Here’s the good news, I’m an expert on candy and I’m here to help. You don’t have to give the best candy either, just don’t give the worst. So pay attention to this and your house will become legendary for many Halloween's to come...
Candy corns in a bowl at the house are pretty sweet, and then throw in a few pasty pumpkin candies and you have a tasty traditional treat. But when I come to the door, don’t grab a fist full and dump them in my bucket. Gross.
Apples or Candied Apples
This will guarantee that I will never, ever come to your house again next year. Please don’t hand these out. If you do some of my friends might throw them back at you.
I enjoy raisins from time to time, but when you break out the mini-boxes that have been in the cupboard for ump-teen years to pass out on Halloween, that’s just wrong.
Who gives a freaking toothbrush anyways? Dentists don’t even give toothbrushes anymore. They know a bite-sized Bit’OHoney is great for business.
Any Candy given to you by a Creepy Clown
Does this need an explanation?
With inflation, leave these copper colored babies to your collection or the Coinstar. Give me a quarter. These days it takes two or three and sometimes four to play a video game.
These are the bottom dwellers of every Halloween bucket. Even if you like Tootsie Rolls, you don’t want two pounds of this stuff still staring at you until Christmas.
Look, I’m sure you’re a great cook, but don’t put it in my pillowcase on Halloween night. Keep your homemade cookies and candies for your friends and relatives who know you. I don’t know you…I just came into this neighborhood because I thought you’d be givin' away full size candy bars.
See (Anything Homemade) above. Oh, and if you bought the store-kind, you should take them back and use that money for good candy.
What is this, 1974? Those things are horrible. Why do they still make them? I know why, because you still by them at Halloween to pass them out as awful candy.
Wow. (Especially from Real Estate Agents) No, No, No, No. I didn’t put on this stinking costume on to have you slickly put your business card taped to a mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. No thanks. Jerk.